Man in a black Let's Call You An Uber tee surrounded by three women at a city bar at night

About us

Confessions of aclothing brand.

We took the pictures that taught children to be good, and taught them something else.

Why we exist

Wholesome picture. Unholy caption.

Things Satan Taught Me is a vintage-occult apparel brand built on one unsettling little contrast: warm 1970s children's-book illustrations paired with the kind of advice your guardian angel would beg you to ignore.

The art says story time. The words say something else entirely. It's satire, it's dark, and it's meant to make the right people laugh and the wrong people clutch their pearls.

If you're smiling already, you're one of ours.

The house rules

Our commandments

Every cult needs rules. Ours are short, and unlike most, we actually keep them.

I

Thou shalt not stockpile

Nothing is printed until you order it. No overstock, no landfill of unsold guilt. Just your shirt, summoned on demand.

II

Thou shalt wear it well

Four cuts on proper blanks: Bella+Canvas 3001 and 6400 tees, Next Level 1533 racerbacks and garment-dyed Comfort Colors 9360 tanks.

III

Thou shalt make it right

Misprinted, damaged or wrong? Tell us within 30 days of delivery and we replace it or refund it, free. Low morals. High standards.

IV

Thou shalt not take it seriously

It's satire. We mock the impulses everyone has and nobody admits to, then print them on very soft cotton.

Woman in a pale green Let's Bring Up The Past tee standing beside a man in a black tee in a living roomLet's Bring Up The PastWoman in a white Let's Burn Bridges tee and leather trousers on an autumn city streetLet's Burn BridgesWoman in a mustard Let's Do Lines Together tee by Things Satan Taught Me, in a graffiti-covered punk club bathroomLet's Do Lines Together

Where it comes from

Conjured in British Columbia

Things Satan Taught Me is an independent label from British Columbia, run by a very small congregation with a very dark sense of humour.

Every piece is printed to order by our print partner in the United States within 2–5 business days, then shipped with tracking to the US and Canada. No warehouse full of guilt. Just your shirt, summoned on demand.

49Lessons
4Cuts
6.66Every price ends in
Woman in a hot pink Let's Play Doctor racerback tank by Things Satan Taught Me, lying on a studio floor in fishnets and boots

The invitation

You're going to hell.Dress for it.

Forty-nine lessons, four cuts, zero repentance. Sign the book and take $6.66 off your first order of $36.66 or more.

Shop all 49 lessons Sign the book