The Pact. Every good deal with the Devil has fine print. This is ours, and unlike his, it's written to be read.

These Terms of Service ("Terms") apply when you visit thingssatantaughtme.com (the "Site") or buy anything from us. "Things Satan Taught Me", "we", "us" and "our" mean the business that runs this store, operated from British Columbia, Canada. "You" means you. By using the Site or placing an order, you agree to these Terms, our Refund Policy, our Shipping Policy and our Privacy Policy. If you don't agree, please don't use the Site. Last updated: 26 September 2026.

1. It's satire. Obviously.

Our designs pair wholesome, vintage-style storybook illustrations with deliberately terrible advice. They are jokes, parody and social satire. Nothing on our products or the Site is an endorsement of, or encouragement to do, anything shown or written, and none of it is legal, medical, financial, relationship or spiritual advice. We don't actually work for Satan. He's never once paid on time. Some of our humour is dark and intended for adults.

2. Who can use the Site

You must be at least the age of majority where you live, or be using the Site with the involvement of a parent or guardian, to place an order. You agree to give us accurate information and to use the Site only for lawful purposes.

3. Summoned to order (how orders work)

Every product is printed on demand by our print partner after you order. Your order is an offer to buy. We accept it when we send your shipping confirmation. We may refuse or cancel any order, for example if a product was listed at an obviously wrong price, if we can't fulfil it, or if we suspect fraud or resale. If we cancel an order you've paid for, we'll refund you in full.

4. Prices, currency and payment

Prices are shown in US dollars, or in Canadian dollars for shoppers in Canada. Yes, they end in 6.66; that's deliberate. Prices, products and offers may change at any time before you place an order. Taxes, and shipping where it applies, are shown at checkout. Payments are processed securely by Shopify and our payment providers; we never see or store your full card number. You confirm you're authorised to use the payment method you provide.

5. Colours, mockups and sizing

We show products, colours and print placement as accurately as we can, but screens differ, product photos and mockups are illustrations, and made-to-order printing varies slightly from piece to piece. Garment-dyed items are unique by nature. Please check the size chart for each cut before ordering, because made-to-order items can't be exchanged for size.

6. Shipping, returns and refunds

Delivery and returns are covered by our Shipping Policy and Refund Policy, which form part of these Terms. In short: we replace or refund anything damaged, defective, misprinted or wrong, but we don't accept returns for change of mind. Forgiveness sold separately.

7. Discounts and offers

Discount codes and automatic offers (including "Sign the Book" and the Unholy Pair and Unholy Trinity multi-buy discounts) have no cash value, can't be combined with each other unless we say so, can't be applied to past orders, and may be changed or withdrawn at any time. First-order codes are limited to one use per customer. We may cancel orders that misuse a code, for example by creating multiple accounts.

8. The Book (email sign-up)

If you sign the Book, you agree to receive marketing emails from us. You can unsubscribe at any time using the link in every email. Ink, not blood; your soul stays yours. How we handle your details is set out in our Privacy Policy.

9. Your account

If you create an account, keep your login details secure and your information accurate. You're responsible for activity on your account. Let us know straight away if you think someone else is using it.

10. Testimonies (reviews, photos and tags)

If you post a review, send us a photo, or tag us or #SatanMadeMeBuyIt on social media, you confirm you have the right to share it and that anyone recognisable in it is happy to be shown. You give us a non-exclusive, royalty-free, worldwide licence to reshare, display and use it, with credit where practical, on our Site, social channels and marketing. We'll ask before using your photo in paid ads. We may remove content that is unlawful, abusive, misleading or off-topic. We never post fake reviews, and we don't edit reviews to change their meaning.

11. Our unholy property

All designs, illustrations, captions, product copy, photos, logos and other content on the Site belong to Things Satan Taught Me or our licensors and are protected by copyright and trademark law. Buying a product gives you the item, not the rights to the design. You may not copy, reproduce, resell, print or create derivative products from our designs without our written permission. Sharing links and photos of yourself wearing our products is welcome.

12. Forbidden rites (prohibited uses)

You agree not to: use the Site for anything unlawful or fraudulent; scrape, copy or harvest our designs or content; interfere with the Site's security or operation; upload malicious code; impersonate anyone; or use our products or brand in a way that suggests we endorse you.

13. Other services

The Site runs on Shopify, and orders are printed and shipped by third-party partners and carriers. Links to other websites and social platforms are provided for convenience; we aren't responsible for their content or practices.

14. Disclaimers

The Site and its content are provided "as is". To the fullest extent permitted by law, we don't promise that the Site will always be available, error-free or free of typos (despite our best exorcisms). Products are covered by the remedies in our Refund Policy and by any guarantees that can't be excluded under consumer protection law.

15. Limits of our liability

To the fullest extent permitted by law, we aren't liable for indirect, incidental, special or consequential losses. Our total liability for any claim relating to a purchase is limited to the amount you paid for that order. Nothing in these Terms excludes or limits any liability or consumer rights that can't be excluded or limited under the law where you live.

16. Indemnity

If you break these Terms or the law in using the Site, and a claim is brought against us because of it, you agree to cover our reasonable losses and costs, to the extent permitted by law.

17. Settling disputes

If something goes wrong, email us first at thingssatantaughtme@hotmail.com; most problems are solved in a single reply. These Terms are governed by the laws of British Columbia and the federal laws of Canada that apply there, without affecting any mandatory consumer protections of the place where you live. Any dispute that can't be resolved informally may be brought before the courts of British Columbia, unless consumer law gives you the right to bring it where you live.

18. Everything else

If any part of these Terms is found unenforceable, the rest still applies. If we don't enforce a term straight away, we haven't waived it. We may update these Terms from time to time by posting a new version here; the version in force when you place an order applies to that order. These Terms, together with the policies they mention, are the whole agreement between you and us about using the Site.

19. Confess to us

Things Satan Taught Me · Email thingssatantaughtme@hotmail.com. Questions, complaints and confessions all welcome.