Questionsfor the damned.

Deadly. It's also a joke. Things Satan Taught Me is satire: wholesome vintage art with captions that are meant to be funny, dark and a little wrong. If a design offends you, it's probably working. It is not an endorsement of anything printed on it.

No. We're satirists, not Satanists. The Devil is the narrator; the joke is on all of us, and mostly on the impulses nobody admits to having. He's never once paid us on time, either.

Every lesson starts as a warm, 1970s-style storybook illustration, the kind that hung in a Sunday-school classroom and meant well. Then we give it the caption it deserves. The designs are our own. Read the Lore.

Adults with a dark sense of humour and a working knowledge of their own worst impulses. Some lessons touch on sex, drugs, death and family, so this is not a store for children, and the Not Safe for Grandma collection means exactly what it says.

Every design comes in four cuts. The Unisex Tee is a Bella+Canvas 3001: 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton (heathers are blends), 4.2 oz/yd². The Women's Tee is a Bella+Canvas 6400: 100% cotton on solid colours, 4.3 oz/yd², relaxed fit. The Racerback Tank is a Next Level 1533: 60% combed ring-spun cotton and 40% polyester, extra light. The Wife Beater is a Comfort Colors 9360: 100% ring-spun US cotton, 6.1 oz/yd², garment-dyed.

Unisex Tee: the classic, a modern retail fit for every body. Women's Tee: relaxed and cut for her. Racerback Tank: slim, shoulders out, conscience off. Wife Beater: a garment-dyed, relaxed tank for men who confess nothing and grill anyway.

The Unisex Tee is a modern retail fit, not boxy; size up for a roomier drape. The Women's Tee is relaxed. The Racerback is slim, so size up if you're between sizes. The Wife Beater runs relaxed, so size down for a closer cut. Measurements for every cut, in inches and centimetres, are on our Size Guide and on each product page. Because everything is printed to order, we can't swap sizes, so please check before you buy.

Direct-to-garment (DTG) or direct-to-film (DTF), depending on the print partner, for crisp artwork and colour that lasts.

Machine wash cold, inside out, with similar colours. Tumble dry low or hang dry. Don't iron directly on the print, and don't dry-clean. Save the heat for eternal damnation.

Shoppers in the United States see prices and pay in US dollars. Shoppers in Canada see prices and pay in Canadian dollars. Every price ends in 6.66. That's not a coincidence.

Checkout is handled securely by Shopify. You can pay with the cards and express wallets shown at checkout. We never see or store your full card number.

Sign the book (our email list) for $6.66 off your first order of $36.66 or more. Buy two pieces and take 10% off (the Unholy Pair); buy three or more and take 20% off (the Unholy Trinity). The multi-buy discount is applied automatically at checkout. Discounts can't be combined, so you get whichever one you apply.

Printing usually begins within a day, so email us as soon as possible with your order number. If it hasn't gone to print, we'll cancel it or change the address, size or colour. Once it's in production, the pact is sealed and we can't cancel it.

No. Nothing sits in a warehouse. Every design, cut and size is printed when you order it, so there's no such thing as sold out here.

To addresses in the United States and Canada. We don't ship elsewhere yet; Hell is expanding slowly.

Each piece is printed just for you in 2–5 business days. US orders then arrive in about 2–5 business days: shipping is $4.95, or free on orders of $65 or more. Canadian orders take about 10–30 business days: shipping is US$9.95, or free on orders of US$90 or more. See our Shipping Policy.

You'll get an email with a tracking link as soon as your order ships.

Orders are printed in the United States and cross the border. Depending on your order's value and the carrier, the carrier or Canada Post may collect GST/HST, provincial sales tax, duties or brokerage fees on delivery. Those are set by the government or carrier, not by us.

Orders with several items are sometimes printed and shipped separately, so they can arrive on different days with separate tracking numbers. You'll never pay extra shipping for it.

Because every item is printed on demand, we don't accept returns or exchanges for change of mind or wrong-size orders, so please check the size guide first. If your item arrives damaged, misprinted or defective, tell us within 30 days of delivery with a photo and we'll replace it free or refund you. See our Refund Policy.

Email thingssatantaughtme@hotmail.com within 30 days of delivery with your order number and a clear photo of the problem. We'll send a free replacement or a full refund for that item, your choice. You won't need to send anything back unless we ask.

If tracking hasn't moved for 10 business days, or it says delivered and you can't find it, check with neighbours and your mailroom, then email us. We'll open a claim with the carrier and, once it's confirmed lost, send a replacement or a refund.

Sadly not. Your piece was printed just for you, so we can't take it back for size. Measure twice, sin once: the Size Guide has every measurement.

Always. Send it through our contact page. We read every one, and the worst ideas are usually the best ones.

Please. Tag your photos #SatanMadeMeBuyIt. By tagging us you're happy for us to reshare, with credit where we can. The details are in our Terms.

Talk to us. Email thingssatantaughtme@hotmail.com or use the contact form with who you are and what you have in mind.

Reach out any time. We answer everything except questions about our soul.