Faces Can't Get Pregnant
“Read the fine print.”
Summoned to order in 2–5 business days · Tracked delivery to the US & Canada
Unholy Pair 10% off 2 · Unholy Trinity 20% off 3+ · applied automatically, no incantation required
Behold the loophole, unholy and airtight.
A wholesome storybook living room: two mugs of cocoa, a board game half-finished, a couch built for long, earnest talks. It looks like a lesson about listening. It is actually a seminar in creative theology, held in the footnotes, written in red ink.
Scripture warned about consequences; the Adversary simply read the fine print and found the clause it forgot. No nine-month sentence. Just a technicality delivered with a perfectly straight face, strictly for consenting adults. Abstinence, it turns out, has a loophole, and the Prince of Lies drafted it himself. Forgiveness sold separately.
For grown-ups who argue theology on the couch and always, somehow, win.
The vessel · Unisex TeeThe gateway garment. Soft enough to fool the congregation, loud enough to get you uninvited from the next one. Cut for every body the Dark Lord ever claimed.
Fit & fabricthe vessel
Modern retail fit. Not boxy. True to size for most; size up for a roomier drape.
- 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton on solid colours (heathers are cotton-poly blends)
- Lightweight 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²)
- Ribbed crew neck, side seams, shoulder tape
- Tear-away label
- Blank: Bella+Canvas 3001. Printed to order, direct-to-garment or direct-to-film depending on the print partner.
Size chartmeasure twice, sin once
| XS | S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Chest width (flat) | 16.541.9 | 18.045.7 | 20.050.8 | 22.055.9 | 24.061.0 | 26.066.0 | 28.071.1 | 30.076.2 | 32.081.3 |
| Body length | 27.068.6 | 28.071.1 | 29.073.7 | 30.076.2 | 31.078.7 | 32.081.3 | 33.083.8 | 34.086.4 | 35.088.9 |
| Sleeve length | 8.621.8 | 8.922.6 | 9.223.4 | 9.524.1 | 9.724.6 | 10.025.4 | 10.426.4 | 10.827.4 | 11.228.4 |
Measured flat on the garment. Allow up to about 1.5 in (3.8 cm) either way. Chest width × 2 ≈ full chest.
Delivery & returnsforgiveness sold separately
| To | Cost | Arrives |
|---|---|---|
| United States | US$4.95 · free on $65+ | 2–5 business days after printing |
| Canada | US$9.95 (shown in CAD) · free on US$90+ | 10–30 business days after printing |
Printing takes 2–5 business days. Nothing is made until you order it, so there are no returns for a change of heart or size. Forgiveness sold separately. Damaged, defective or wrong? Tell us within 30 days of delivery and we'll replace or refund it. Refund policy · Shipping policy
Careaftercare rites
- Machine wash cold (max 30°C / 90°F)
- Non-chlorine bleach only, as needed
- Tumble dry low
- Iron, steam or dry on medium heat
- Do not dry-clean
Blame Satan. Keep the shirt.
Wear it, tag it: #SatanMadeMeBuyItSame sin, different lesson · Wear your sins
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Size & fit
Measure twice. Sin once. Printed-to-order means no size swaps.
Unisex Tee · Bella+Canvas 3001
Modern retail fit. Not boxy. True to size for most; size up for a roomier drape.
| XS | S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Chest width (flat) | 16.541.9 | 18.045.7 | 20.050.8 | 22.055.9 | 24.061.0 | 26.066.0 | 28.071.1 | 30.076.2 | 32.081.3 |
| Body length | 27.068.6 | 28.071.1 | 29.073.7 | 30.076.2 | 31.078.7 | 32.081.3 | 33.083.8 | 34.086.4 | 35.088.9 |
| Sleeve length | 8.621.8 | 8.922.6 | 9.223.4 | 9.524.1 | 9.724.6 | 10.025.4 | 10.426.4 | 10.827.4 | 11.228.4 |
Measured flat on the garment. Allow up to about 1.5 in (3.8 cm) either way. Chest width × 2 ≈ full chest.
How to measure: lay your best-fitting shirt flat and measure straight across the chest, 1 in below the armpits, then from the highest point of the shoulder to the hem. Compare with the table. All size guides
Unisex Tee · Choose a size
The lookbook
Worn by sinners
