Got A Waybill For This Load?
“Signed, sealed, delivered.”
Summoned to order in 2–5 business days · Tracked delivery to the US & Canada
Unholy Pair 10% off 2 · Unholy Trinity 20% off 3+ · applied automatically, no incantation required
Vintage occult meets genuinely terrible advice. Part of the Things Satan Taught Me collection: 1970s children's-book artwork paired with the kind of wisdom your guardian angel would beg you to ignore. Printed edge-to-edge on a premium, retail-fit Bella+Canvas tee in soft, breathable cotton. Wholesome picture, unholy caption. Satan doesn't care what people think, and neither should you.
For drivers, dispatchers and warehouse lifers who know exactly what they meant.
The vessel · Unisex TeeThe gateway garment. Soft enough to fool the congregation, loud enough to get you uninvited from the next one. Cut for every body the Dark Lord ever claimed.
Fit & fabricthe vessel
Modern retail fit. Not boxy. True to size for most; size up for a roomier drape.
- 100% Airlume combed and ring-spun cotton on solid colours (heathers are cotton-poly blends)
- Lightweight 4.2 oz/yd² (142 g/m²)
- Ribbed crew neck, side seams, shoulder tape
- Tear-away label
- Blank: Bella+Canvas 3001. Printed to order, direct-to-garment or direct-to-film depending on the print partner.
Size chartmeasure twice, sin once
| XS | S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Chest width (flat) | 16.541.9 | 18.045.7 | 20.050.8 | 22.055.9 | 24.061.0 | 26.066.0 | 28.071.1 | 30.076.2 | 32.081.3 |
| Body length | 27.068.6 | 28.071.1 | 29.073.7 | 30.076.2 | 31.078.7 | 32.081.3 | 33.083.8 | 34.086.4 | 35.088.9 |
| Sleeve length | 8.621.8 | 8.922.6 | 9.223.4 | 9.524.1 | 9.724.6 | 10.025.4 | 10.426.4 | 10.827.4 | 11.228.4 |
Measured flat on the garment. Allow up to about 1.5 in (3.8 cm) either way. Chest width × 2 ≈ full chest.
Delivery & returnsforgiveness sold separately
| To | Cost | Arrives |
|---|---|---|
| United States | US$4.95 · free on $65+ | 2–5 business days after printing |
| Canada | US$9.95 (shown in CAD) · free on US$90+ | 10–30 business days after printing |
Printing takes 2–5 business days. Nothing is made until you order it, so there are no returns for a change of heart or size. Forgiveness sold separately. Damaged, defective or wrong? Tell us within 30 days of delivery and we'll replace or refund it. Refund policy · Shipping policy
Careaftercare rites
- Machine wash cold (max 30°C / 90°F)
- Non-chlorine bleach only, as needed
- Tumble dry low
- Iron, steam or dry on medium heat
- Do not dry-clean
Blame Satan. Keep the shirt.
Wear it, tag it: #SatanMadeMeBuyItSame sin, different lesson · Wear your sins
More Not Safe for Grandma
Lingering temptations
Recently viewed
Size & fit
Measure twice. Sin once. Printed-to-order means no size swaps.
Unisex Tee · Bella+Canvas 3001
Modern retail fit. Not boxy. True to size for most; size up for a roomier drape.
| XS | S | M | L | XL | 2XL | 3XL | 4XL | 5XL | |
|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|---|
| Chest width (flat) | 16.541.9 | 18.045.7 | 20.050.8 | 22.055.9 | 24.061.0 | 26.066.0 | 28.071.1 | 30.076.2 | 32.081.3 |
| Body length | 27.068.6 | 28.071.1 | 29.073.7 | 30.076.2 | 31.078.7 | 32.081.3 | 33.083.8 | 34.086.4 | 35.088.9 |
| Sleeve length | 8.621.8 | 8.922.6 | 9.223.4 | 9.524.1 | 9.724.6 | 10.025.4 | 10.426.4 | 10.827.4 | 11.228.4 |
Measured flat on the garment. Allow up to about 1.5 in (3.8 cm) either way. Chest width × 2 ≈ full chest.
How to measure: lay your best-fitting shirt flat and measure straight across the chest, 1 in below the armpits, then from the highest point of the shoulder to the hem. Compare with the table. All size guides
Unisex Tee · Choose a size