The Beginner’s Guide to Ruining a Perfectly Good Relationship

Congratulations. You are in a happy, stable relationship with a kind, attractive person who texts back, remembers your coffee order and has never once used the phrase "we need to talk." Your friends are pleased for you. Your mother has stopped asking. Everything, by any reasonable measure, is going well.

This is, of course, unbearable.

Happiness is quiet, and quiet gives you time to think, and thinking is how people end up with hobbies and savings accounts. If you were raised on drama, peace can feel like a waiting room with no magazines. Fortunately, a perfectly good relationship is surprisingly easy to ruin, provided you follow a few simple steps and commit to them completely.

Step 1Become suspicious of good things

The first skill is to look at every kind gesture and ask, quietly, what it is hiding. Why did they bring you soup when you were sick? What do they want? Why are they being so nice to your friends? Who are they trying to impress? Why do they seem so relaxed? People who are relaxed have nothing to worry about, and people with nothing to worry about are clearly up to something.

You do not need evidence. Evidence is for courts. You need a feeling, and you can produce a feeling at any time by lying in the dark and thinking about it for long enough.

Step 2Keep a detailed archive

Every relationship produces a small amount of friction, and most people let it go. You are not most people. You are an archivist. Every forgotten anniversary, every slightly sharp tone, every time they said "fine" in a way that did not sound fine is catalogued and stored for later use.

The archive comes into its own during arguments. An argument about who forgot to buy milk can, in the right hands, become a sweeping retrospective of everything that has gone wrong since 2019. They will arrive expecting a conversation about dairy. They will leave having relived their entire record.

Step 3Communicate exclusively in riddles

Clear communication is the enemy. If you say exactly what you need, there is a real risk that you will get it, and then where will you be? Instead, express your needs through tone, sighs and the careful placement of dishes in the sink. When asked what is wrong, say "nothing." When asked again, say "you know what you did." Under no circumstances explain what they did.

For advanced practitioners, there is the delayed reaction: say everything is fine, then bring it up four days later during a completely unrelated moment, ideally at a wedding.

They will arrive expecting a conversation about dairy. They will leave having relived their entire record.

The Editorial Department, on the milk incident

Step 4Test them constantly

A relationship that is never tested cannot be trusted, so design small, invisible exams and grade them strictly. Will they notice the haircut? Will they guess what you want for your birthday without being told? Will they read the subtext of a text message that says only "ok"? Do not tell them they are being tested. That would compromise the integrity of the results.

When they fail, and they will, because the tests are impossible, you will have gathered valuable confirmation of what you suspected from Step 1. The system works.

Step 5Find the nearest exit, then stand near it

Finally, keep one foot out of the door at all times. Mention your ex casually and often. Say things like "I'm not sure I'm built for this" in a reflective, mysterious way. Leave your options open the way some people leave the television on, as company. Sooner or later, your partner will begin to wonder whether you are planning to leave, and once they start acting worried, you can point out how insecure they have become. If you need inspiration, our guide to red flags you should ignore because they're hot works just as well in reverse.

The fine print

If you follow these steps carefully, the relationship will end. There will be tears, a few dramatic text messages and a period of sleeping on a friend's couch while listening to sad songs at a volume the neighbours will remember. You will tell everyone it just "stopped working," and they will nod, because they have heard about the milk.

And then, if you are very lucky, you will meet someone new. Someone kind, attractive and stable, who texts back and remembers your coffee order. At which point you can turn back to Step 1 and begin again.