The Hidden Benefits of a Crippling Pornography Addiction

Few habits have been as thoroughly condemned as the one nobody admits to having. Therapists warn about it. Podcasters build entire seasons around quitting it. Somewhere, right now, a man is announcing on social media that he is on day four of giving it up, and he would like you to know he feels incredible.

But the Editorial Department has always been suspicious of consensus. If something is this universally criticised, we reasoned, it must be doing something right. And so we did what any responsible publication would do. We opened an investigation, we did not clear our browser history, and we asked the question nobody else has had the courage to ask: what if it is actually good for you?

Methodology

We surveyed 38 participants, all of whom agreed to take part on the strict condition that we never make eye contact with them again. Participants were asked to describe the skills, habits and personal qualities they had developed over years of what one respondent called "a very consistent evening routine."

Responses were collected anonymously, in an incognito window, over a VPN routed through Belgium. Several participants asked whether the survey could be completed with one hand. It could.

Finding one: an elite technical skill set

The first and most striking result was the sheer technical competence of the group. Participants who reported the highest level of devotion also demonstrated an extraordinary command of modern technology. They could identify a weak Wi-Fi signal by feel. They understood private browsing at a level usually reserved for intelligence agencies. One man described clearing his entire history, cache and cookies in under two seconds, while also lowering the volume, closing a laptop and saying "just answering emails" in a completely natural tone.

These are not the habits of a broken person. These are the reflexes of a fighter pilot.

Finding two: unparalleled time management

Productivity experts insist that the secret to a well-ordered life is protected, uninterrupted time. Our participants arrived at this conclusion years ago, independently, and with considerably more commitment. Many reported blocking out the same hour every night and defending it with a ferocity most people reserve for their children.

Several were also exceptionally good at estimating how long they had until a roommate came home, a partner finished in the shower or a delivery driver reached the door. This kind of instinctive scheduling is exactly what corporate leadership courses charge thousands of dollars to teach, usually in a hotel conference room with a buffet.

Finding three: a deep appreciation of the arts

When asked why they watched what they watched, an unexpected number of participants cited the cinematography. They spoke about lighting. They had opinions on set design and the remarkable range of plumbers. One respondent described himself as "basically a film critic, just with a very specific beat."

We are not in a position to dispute this. Several participants could name more directors than the average film student, and at least two had strong feelings about the decline of plot since the early 2000s. "There used to be a story," one man told us, quietly. "There used to be a reason someone was delivering a pizza."

There used to be a reason someone was delivering a pizza.

Survey participant, mourning the decline of narrative

What the experts would probably say

As is now tradition, we contacted a number of qualified professionals for comment, and as is also now tradition, none of them replied.

Had they replied, we imagine they would have pointed out that compulsive habits tend to crowd out real relationships, real sleep and real sunlight, and that "my grip strength is excellent" is not a sign of a balanced life. They might have noted that the participants with the most advanced skills were also, by some distance, the most tired. They would probably also have asked to see our ethics approval, at which point we would have changed the subject to banana bread.

Conclusion

On the evidence, the Editorial Department can confirm that a crippling dependency of this kind does have hidden benefits. It produces lightning reflexes, a sophisticated understanding of the internet, superb time management and a film vocabulary that would embarrass a festival juror. It also produces men who flinch when a door opens, who have not finished a book since 2017, and who describe their weekends as "quiet" with a slightly haunted look.

Whether those trade-offs are worth it is, of course, a personal decision. We would only suggest that if your most marketable skill is closing a laptop convincingly, it may be time to open a window instead.

A sincere footnote, which we do not do often: if this one landed a bit close to home, compulsive habits are common, fixable and very much worth talking to a professional about. Nobody needs to see your browser history to help.