How to Become the Toxic Person Everyone Warned You About

Everyone has a toxic person in their life. The ex who still has your hoodie. The coworker who "just has a lot of opinions." The friend who only calls when something has gone wrong for them, never when something has gone right for you. You have spent years being warned about these people, avoiding these people and complaining about these people over drinks with other people.

Have you ever stopped to ask why they seem so relaxed?

Toxic people sleep beautifully. They do not lie awake replaying a conversation from 2014. They do not apologise to furniture they bump into. They have simply opted out of the exhausting business of being accountable to anybody, and frankly, they look great for it. This guide will show you how to join them. It takes commitment, practice and a total absence of self-reflection, but if you follow these steps, you too can become the person everyone's therapist has heard about.

Step 1Stop taking responsibility

Responsibility is a habit, and like all habits, it can be broken with enough willpower. Begin small. The next time you are late, do not say "Sorry, I'm late." Say "Traffic was insane." Note that you did not technically lie. Traffic is always insane somewhere. You are simply choosing to stand in solidarity with it.

Once you have mastered lateness, move on to larger failures. A missed deadline becomes "a process issue." A forgotten birthday becomes "a really hard month for me, actually." A broken promise becomes "a miscommunication," which is a wonderful word because it implies that at least two people were involved and only one of them was you.

The goal is to reach a state where nothing that happens around you is ever caused by you. Things simply occur, like weather, and you are a person standing in the weather, doing your best, being brave about it.

Step 2Learn the power of selective memory

Memory is not a recording. Scientists agree on this, and we intend to take full advantage of it. If memory is reconstructed every time you access it, then you are, in a very real sense, the editor of your own history. Edit boldly.

Did you say something cruel at dinner last month? You do not remember it that way. You remember being "honest." Did you borrow money from a friend in 2022? You recall it being more of a gift. Did you once promise to help someone move? You have no memory of that conversation, and you are a little hurt that they would invent it.

The secret to selective memory is confidence. Other people will produce evidence: text messages, emails, witnesses, a photograph of you agreeing to help them move while holding the pizza they bought you as a thank-you. Do not engage with the evidence. Simply look at them with mild concern and say, "I think you might be remembering that wrong." Then change the subject to something they did in 2019. If they persist, remember that most people will ignore a red flag if it is attractive enough.

Step 3Surround yourself with enablers

No toxic person is an island. Behind every truly exhausting individual is a carefully curated circle of people who think they are "just misunderstood."

Building this circle takes time. Look for people who avoid conflict, people who are new in town and lonely, and people who are themselves slightly toxic and therefore recognise you as kin. Reward them generously with attention when they agree with you. Withdraw it the moment they do not. They will learn quickly. Everyone does.

Equally important is the gentle removal of anyone who might reflect your behaviour back to you. That friend from university who still says "Hey, that wasn't cool"? She is not supportive of your growth. She is "stuck in the past." You are allowed to outgrow people. You are, in fact, encouraged to outgrow anyone who notices things.

Step 4Make every conversation about the time you suffered more

Empathy is a two-way street, and you are going to turn it into a one-way street with a toll booth.

When a friend tells you their dog died, listen carefully for about four seconds. Then tell them about your dog. If you never had a dog, tell them about a dog you once saw, and how it changed you. If someone mentions they are stressed about work, nod slowly, as though weighing their pain against yours, and then reveal that you have been "running on empty for months." Do not elaborate. Simply let the words sit there, like a small, sad monument to your endurance.

This technique is known among professionals as "the pivot," and it has one beautiful property: the other person always ends up comforting you. You arrived as the listener. You leave as the guest of honour.

Step 5Never, ever be the one who brings it up

Conflict is inevitable. Resolution is optional. The toxic person's great advantage is that they never initiate the awkward conversation. They simply wait, and let everyone else decide whether it is worth the trouble.

It almost never is. People are tired. They have jobs and laundry and their own problems. Most of them would rather quietly absorb whatever you did than spend a Tuesday evening discussing it. Every time they choose silence, you win a little more ground. Over the years, this ground becomes a small kingdom, and you its reasonable, misunderstood ruler.

A final word on personal growth

Some readers will finish this guide and feel uncomfortable, perhaps because they recognised a step or two from their own lives. Some will recognise all five, and a few will recognise somebody specific and start drafting a text. That is growth, of a kind. Every self-help journey begins with a moment of recognition. Most of them end with a book deal, or a long night wondering whether guilt counts.

Whatever you take from it, remember that becoming the toxic person everyone warned you about is not a destination. It is a lifestyle. It requires daily maintenance, strategic amnesia and a rotating cast of people who are too polite to leave. Should you ever tire of it, the exit is clearly marked. It is labelled "accountability," and nobody you know has ever used it.